A familiar visitor

This morning, as I was getting ready to take Jadyn outside to play, I started feeling feverish and experienced a pain in my left leg, kind of a cramp throughout much of the leg and a dull ache in the hip joint.
This is how most cases of cellulitis in my legs start for me. They used to be just an annoyance I could get over in about a week. But last year, a case in my right leg kept me out of work for several days in September. Another put me down for the count in December in the left leg. These cases resulted in severe skin damage to both legs. The right leg is a long way toward being healed. The left one is improving but isn't there yet.
It appears at this point I've had a minor relapse in the left leg today. I'm taking the appropriate medication and hopefully won't suffer a great deal with this one.
While we have not been able to make a certain direct correlation to diet, nor have I been diagnosed with such, cellulitis is a common problem for diabetics and these infections would occur after I had overdone sugar.
After the last major round of cellulitis in December, I significantly cut back on the amount of sugar I intake. In fact, I've gone several weeks with out it. I loosened up on it a little bit this week and again, though I am not 100 percent certain this is the cause, the correlation is there.
I've added in a lot of wheat bread and will eat it when nothing else is around.
One of the challenges I face is that I don't just eat to sustain myself. I eat when I'm bored, upset, stressed, happy and wanting to celebrate. I know this and have tried to find the ways to just shut it off and stop it. I've not been able to on my own. I get these cellultis reminders so I don't think I've arrived - that's when I usually get in trouble.
I'm not anywhere close to arriving in addressing this issue.
As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that a difference between this year and last is that people on four, possibly five continents will pray for me about this. This is a huge difference and I believe with their help I can conquer this once and for all.
 -----

P.S.: I thought it might be in order to clarify what cellulitis is – It's a skin infection. The fever and joint/muscle pain are early warning signs the infection is on its way, at least in my experience. Once it is actually visible, cellulitis usually manifests itself by causing redness and swelling in the impacted area. At this point, my latest episode is mild compared to the ones which damaged my legs last year.
Here is more information from WebMD regarding the condition.

Memory flashes

Tonight, I've been thinking about people and circumstances long since passed. A person who was a mutual acquaintance of my parents and our next-door neighbor; an old hotel in town which may not even be there now and if it is, it probably isn't the best in the area; the old AM rock station I used to listen to (yeah I said AM rock station) and others I can't recall right now.
I'm not sure what's been sparking this, but I guess it's part of the healing process of helping me remember that even though a great deal of time has passed since my parents died, the world they lived in isn't completely dead, even though it's changed a great deal.
Lord, help us understand the purpose for old memories and let us live out your plan and passion for it.
What old memories to do you have and how much do you wish to understand them?

Winding down

After a productive day, I'm glad to be calling it a night soon. I trust everyone has had  a successful day. What  has God been doing in your heart to prepare you tomorrow and even the next day?

Up late again! :)

And I'm up late again but I've been having fun - learning how to use Google Wave and catching up with some old acquaintances on a message board I visit.
Amanda and I did some assessing/brainstorming tonight about direction, focus, etc. We're getting there, but we've not arrived. A Rush lyric from "Prime Mover" says: "The point of the journey is not to arrive."
We've been living an amazing adventure over the last several weeks and months and are thrilled to be part of it. But we know that if we continue to let the circumstances of our lives dictate outcomes instead of us bringing them under a certain amount of submission, we'll let our time run us instead of the other way around. So, time to take care of few other things, then go to sleep.
Anyone else in the throes of an

Sleep, perchance to sleep

I've got to figure a way to balance things - I'm constantly nodding off after about 9 p.m. these days. I am fighting to stay awake long enough to post this. I know this isn't the way things should be, but I haven't found the balance.
I have to find it for my health and sanity, but until I find time to even out my morning it'll be difficult. For now, I'm going to go to bed a good bit earlier than normal.
Anyone else have trouble finding the right set of circumstances for sleep?

Yesterday's science fiction, today's reality

About 10 days ago, Amanda and I did a video chat with a couple in Sydney, Australia from the comfort of our house – with no real effort other than the click of a mouse. We really enjoyed it and learned a great deal.
I just saw an ad for Ford's Sync system in which the driver asks the system to read a message - it tells him a highway is closed. Earlier, I watched an ad about this from this from OnStar: A system which - under the proper conditions - will give law enforcement and OnStar personnel the ability to disengage the acceleration on a vehicle reported stolen. In promoting the feature, OnStar says it will help reduce "the risks of high-speed pursuits," an announcer says on the video.
So, all of this stuff we'd likely have seen imagined – in some shape or form – in science fiction television shows and films of the past.
We're living in a SciFi (or is it SyFy?) show to some degree in everyday circumstances.
My question tonight is – are we better off for it or worse off?

Force feeding and faith shouldn't mix

This morning, Amanda pointed out that Jadyn tends to steer away from spiritual conversations after noticing one she dodged as we readied her for church.
While we don't want to force feed her about Christ, we do want her to encounter Him for herself and we want to set the right atmosphere this. Amanda mentioned we don't pray enough for this to happen and it's true. Later, I was looking through some books on a dresser in one of our rooms and two caught my eye – "You Have What It Takes" by John Eldredge and "101 Ways to Talk to God" by Dandi Daley Mackall.
I've thought about using some of the approaches Mackall suggests in helping Jadyn learn how to have her own conversations with God. Plus, Eldredge says: "She wants to know: Am I lovely? That's the question every little girl is asking. And she looks to her dad to answer it."
I already try to affirm my love for her and my opinion of her beauty on a regular basis. It's the spritual side which has been lagging, but I know that one day, how she sees her relationship with her earthly father will have a direct correlation to how she views God.
I decided to come up with a plan of action to address this, then went to church.
After church, we went to lunch. We talked about what she learned in her children's church class, and she said it was thankfulness. A friend asked her what she was thankful for and her first answer was Jesus. I was relieved!
This doesn't mean I need to slack off and say no further action is required. But it does warm my heart that she does seem to understand.
A few minutes ago, we just completed a nearly one-hour battle to get her to eat some corn. We ended the stalemate by making her down a forkful.
I'm grateful it doesn't seem like helping her develop her faith in Christ isn't coming to the same conclusion.

Connection without face-time (in most cases)

Over the past year, Amanda and I have gotten to know many people around the United States and a few in other parts of the world through our online connections.
We feel connected to them in some ways more easily and directly sometimes even more than people we've met in person. Why? Because of the conversations we've had on Twitter, e-mail and other forms of electronic communication.
I've been in one particular group of people who share a common background and I feel more comfortable with them than I do with some in-person friends because they are right there with me on this specific issue - they've thought the same things and fought the same battles in their hearts. We are kindred even though we haven't all met in person. We share life and we're as far as 600 miles away.
We've even gotten to know people on the other side of the world and chatted via video or through instant message, just sharing what's on our hearts or minds at the moment.
So, we have family we haven't met in person yet and we're glad to have the bigger, broader definition of family active in our lives.

Oops!

I wasn't doing this for a prize, but I feel asleep on the couch in the late hours of Friday and woke up early Saturday morning fully intending not to go bed without having blogged and it still bugs me that I missed the window. So here I am, backpedaling barely seven days into the month.
This being said, I am attempting to write now with the hope of writing again later in the day to satisfy Saturday's blogging requirement and have that count - somehow! :)
What do you do to try to make up for something when you've missed a deadline or otherwise just plain messed up? Do you try to make it work somehow, just ignore it or find another way to deal or not deal with it?

How daddies can be caregivers too

Have you ever had one of those instant flashes where you knew what was ahead of you and could only just deal with it and not run away? I got one of those Wednesday.
I walked into Jadyn's daycare. She was resting her head on one of the worker's laps.
Not normal.
One cheek was flush red instead of its usual, lighter shade.
Not normal.
They said she'd been running a fever, but couldn't agree on the degree. So I checked at home - 102.9 F/39.4 C.
Not normal.
With the pattern of normality now fully off kilter, I settled into the caregiver role, since Amanda was 10 hours or so away in Oklahoma. I gave her medication to fight the fever and worked to get her to bed.
Several hours I got her to sleep in her bed, she decides to come into where I'm sleeping and we don't stay asleep for long. So, at somewhere around 5 a.m., I'm up and awake this morning and so is Jadyn.
I get her to the doctor and take careful notes regarding his diagnosis so I can report back to Amanda and the daycare center. The diagnosis was ILI (Influenza Like Illness) - through tests and examination, the doctor ruled out strep, pneumonia and flu. Basically, he said she's a normal child with a fever and sore throat.
So, we get some food at McDonald's, clean up the house a bit and then take a nap, awaking to Amanda back in the house!
Sometimes we're faced with situations outside of our comfort zones and elements and we just have to deal and run with that which we're dealt. I did and think I came out on the other end OK. :)
So when have you faced a situation where you've had to do something you're not used to and how did you manage?

Tearing down the walls

Through the past several months, I've noticed something about Twitter.
I've tweeted about this before, but I think it bears repeating: Folks from a wide sampling across the social media service, at least the ones I've encountered, are from different backgrounds.
Race, color, culture and even to some degree gender segregation and body weight lines are largely erased on Twitter. Why? I think it's because the focus is on 140 characters, not other aspects of the person.
I didn't grow up in a house with a strongly vengeful attitude toward black people but one likely shared by many whites who experienced desegregation - white folks generally wanted no part of it.
But my parents did eventually send me to a majority black high school, and I'm the better for it.
Ultimately, the Lord has worked on my heart to where I'm more inclined to find ways to reach out and broaden my horizons than not.
We're not there yet but I see the encounters I have on Twitter and other social media around the world moving us closer - much closer - to fulfilling Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
Make it so, Lord, in our lifetimes.
P.S.:
What is your experience with learning how to interact with those who don't look like you?

A Healing Journey - Part III

As I finally got close enough to the community where the cemetery is to tell, I realized the weather would cooperate and I would finally get to do what I needed.
These are the conditions I found at the cemetery, shortly before 1 p.m. Sept. 5 (my parents' graves are in the foreground): So while I must have looked fairly strange to any passersby, I conducted business by getting out my laptop and typing my thoughts.
Here is what I wrote:
----
Mom and Dad,

There's hardly a day which goes by where I don't feel you missing from my life.

As I sit here, I hear what sounds like a band practicing, birds chirping, vehicles going somewhere and life just generally continuing around me.

Yet my life has been stuck – emotionally at least – in two moments in time – one outside of a house in Montgomery where you, Dad, were loaded into a an ambulance and rushed to a hospital. You were probably dead when you got there. I can still see the bag of personal effects they gave Mom; your glasses, your false teeth and probably your wallet were included.

The second was the day 11 years about three hours from now (as I write this) when I unlocked the back door to the house I grew up in and made a mad dash through the house to Mom's bedroom, where I saw someone who'd been gone for several days.

Mom and Dad, I miss you, but I cannot continue to live my life in the past, hung on thse moments of loss and grief. I don't think the Lord intended me to stay in this loop forever, but use these days as milestones on a path of healing.

So, I forgive you Dad, for dying less than 18 hours after we had an argument.

I forgive you Mom, for being the last to go; something for which I thought I would never forgive you.

I'm sorry I fought both of you more than I listened to you. I'm sorry I wasn't as easy to raise as I should have been.

As I feel buried emotions rise to the surface, I can't sit here and say that the only time I'll ever need to do this is today. But I wanted to feel Sept. 5, 1998 all over again, so that I could – somehow – move past it, with healing im my heart, and warm, not frigid, memories in my mind.

I am trusting however, that by the grace of God, this will be the first day of the rest of my life, that I can walk away from here knowing I left something behind. Something I didnt't need. Something I couldn't bear to part with but couldn't carry anymore.

I love you and I know that even though you both sometimes had difficultly showing it emotionally, I know by your provision and concern (I can hear Mom saying on times I was late getting home, "I was about to call the State Troopers.") that you cared.

I trust and hope to see you again in person some day. But for now, I have a family waiting on me who loves and wants to see me. I have, by the grace of God, things yet to accomplish here and hope to live the rest of my life at his good pleasure.

Thank you Jesus for allowing me this time to face what I haven't wanted to for so long. May this day be seen from here forward as a blessing, not a curse. In Jesus' name, Amen.

------

Since this time, I've generally been more determined about what I'm doing and I've been more willing to consider some things about the future which were pretty far out there previously.

But God is good, really, and He is leading us through to the future and I intend to be a different human being after this graveside visit in real, personal and tangible ways.

P.S.: So all this said, do you have a situation in your life you need to confront, but have delayed for years? If so, what is it and what do you hope to do about it?

A Healing Journey - Part II

As I pushed on toward Alabama and wondered if the weather would permit me to reach my destination, this sight greeted me on U.S. 82. It serves as a metaphor for what I sensed the Lord was already doing in my heart and would do more of the same if I'd arrived at the cemetery.
By the time I reached the outskirts of Biringham, Ala., rainy conditions left me concerned I would need to bail on my plan and just head to where I would stay the night.
It's been nearly two months since I took this trip, so I needed to squint at the notes I'd taken along the way and try to piece together my thoughts from scribbled words and questionable letters.
I did and recalled more about the soundtrack it seems God himself picked for me along the way, including "Walking in Memphis," "Heaven," Los Lonely Boys and "Son of a Sailor" by Jimmy Buffet.
As I proceeded, I discovered the weather I'd been concerned would keep me from getting to the graveside not only wouldn't be there, it served as a backdrop for some amazing pictures.

A Healing Journey - Part I

Over the last several weeks, I've wondered if it would ever stop raining.
We've experienced a few dry days interspersed with biblical downpours. The hope is these rains will taper off and we'll return to standard weather patterns.
Nearly two months ago – near the beginning of this damp spell – I set off on a journey, driven to find a relief similar to the one we seek for these recent rainy conditions.
For many years, I've struggled to find a way out from under a blanket of memories and patterns left over from my interaction with my deceased parents. To this day, I find myself twisting and shifting to remove myself from a straitjacket of old patterns and habits constructed for relationships which ended – for this lifetime – at a community cemetery in Alabama.
I haven't been sure this cloud would ever lift.
As the 11th anniversary of my mother's death approached, I realized something a few weeks before the day arrived – this year's anniversary would fall exactly on the date and day of the week she died.
Instead of taking the time to grieve, I chose instead to dive headlong into the circumstances we faced immediately afterward, deferring actual mourning to an undetermined date and leaving these old habits clinging to me like a leftover dryer sheet.
So, as the calendar rolled toward Sept. 5, I realized doing something on this day would be a good chance to gain some distance from these remnants of a life now gone.
I decided to go to the place where it all should have stopped – the graveside.
As I got ready to leave for the cemetery from Mississippi, I had this sense one of the things I'd be attempting to stare down is the fear of loss, a fear which can cripple someone and prevent even the most calculated risks.
I put on “The Extremist” by Joe Satriani as I confronted cloudy conditions on the first few minutes of the ride. This music – with its sweeping motions from charging and electrifying to simple and emotive – provided a great soundtrack for the first leg of the trip.
As I proceeded, I thought about whether the clouds I'd encountered along the way would ever break, or if would be just as bleak or worse if I'd even make it to the cemetery at all.

Focus

I couldn't let another month pass without posting something. Readers, followers and just folks generally interested in what you have to say need something to read. So, I'm gonna really try hard to do just that in the coming weeks and months. Yeah I know you've heard me say this before but I think I really mean it this time. :)
Does that sound like part of an argument? Because it should.
I've debated over the last several months about what my focus should be as Amanda and I have thought over our next steps/goals as a family.
It comes down in many respects to me gaining a focus, a narrower purpose than just existing. I'm interested in so many things, many of them good, wholesome and worthy. But I haven't found that "one thing" or core series of things which energizes, invigorates and inspires me.
I look at those who have and they are much further along in life than I am, many of them much younger than me.
Yes, I understand what we should have to show for our lives at the end is that we hear Christ say "Well done, good and faithful servant." Honestly, I've lived as though this is supposed to happen on faith, that we trust God to place in our hearts the things he's set before us to do and we do them.
But as a man who wants to provide for his family and learn to be more purposeful about my life, I see others who have greater success as a result of being focused at earlier ages and think I've wasted a lot of time. But will earthly success matter 1,000 years after we depart? Mostly likely not.
So somewhere in between my frustration with not sensing a focus in life and trusting it's all going to work out, I think I need to do something toward finding a niche - as a writer, a blogger, a tweeter and a person. Does that mean randomness has no place in my life? But more often than not, I want to find a groove and stay with it for longer than a few weeks.
I think I'm on the verge of this discovery and I can't wait to learn what it is so I can get going on it.
If you have any insight in this or have faced a similar crossroads, please feel free to share it.
I hope my next post sometime in the next few days will be about a significant milestone in my life and I how I faced it. I'm trying to find some of my notes about the experience. If I can't locate them easily, I'll try to work from memory.

Squinting

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you just want to understand what's next?
That's where I am right now, squinting hard to see the next step to take.
What I don't want to do is push so hard to find this out that I miss what's around me right now.
I'm starting to wonder if like I'm the disciple who says to Jesus: "Show us the father." Christ could have been frustrated in his answer. "Duh! Been there, done that, ya dope!"
But he was more constructive than that.
So I'm going to rebuild that list. You know, the one where you have preferences and trigger points, with the hope the Lord confirms these or shows you new ones.
It could be he shows me status quo is where he wants me to be. And if that's what I see, then I have to be OK with that.
Cuz I'd rather not keep asking dumb questions if I REALLY already know the answer.

A reunion of hearts

I hope this blog will serve several purposes – to express to some of my favorite people on the planet how much they mean to me, clear the air about my frame of mind when I saw some of them this past weekend and express where I am now with a number of things.
I went to a youth and college group reunion at Frazer Memorial United Methodist Church in Montgomery, Ala. this past weekend with my daughter.
Given a number of factors, I got about four and a half hours of sleep the morning before the reunion, then drove about four hours – with stops – to Montgomery.
On the way into town, I passed the area of the city where I “cut my teeth.” I'd been by there hundreds of times in the last 10 years after my Mom's death but I cried this time.
I cried:
For what – and who – was no longer there.
For a past I couldn't change.
And, possibly, for a difficult-to-see future.
This past week, certain aspects of my life got tied into a huge black mass of frustration, fatigue and bitterness.
I spoke from this place of negativity at times while interacting with some of the people I saw at the reunion but I didn't fully realize it until my daughter and I were on our way to where we were staying for the night.
I'd hoped I hadn't alienated anyone because of my – at times – sour attitude.
Aside from my tendency to want to be liked anyway, this particular group of people is important to me because they were part of the place where God laid a significant foundation for me in a couple of areas – spiritually and socially.
Many of the folks in the college group helped me learn how to experience genuine social interaction with others. My time there also gave me a serious root system in the faith.
Additionally, I believe the Lord forged and inspired in us – men and women alike – a bond which goes beyond routine friendship.
Two days removed from the reunion, I feel like I've had something extracted which was in dire need of removal.
I feel refreshed, revived – like I've had layers of caked-on dirt washed away.
I know this is just what I needed.
If I got to see you this weekend, please know I do care about you, regardless of how lost in my own sandbox I might have seemed.
If you were part of this rag-tag group of folks and didn't get to come this time, see what you can do to attend next time.
It's hard to say what the future will hold, but I know going to back to see old friends from the college group did more than just revive memories.
It jump-started my heart.
And that's always a good thing.

They call it Pap's Place

My wife and I moved to northeast Mississippi about five years ago. One of the first television ads we saw in this area was for Pap's Place, a Southern-style buffet restaurant in Ackerman, Miss.
To move toward understanding it, I think you must see some of these ads. Here's one of the early ones. And here's a more recent ad. (I intend no copyright infringement in sharing these ads; I just want more people to see them!)
From early on after seeing these ads, I've wanted the rest of the world to enjoy the good craziness which takes place in these videos and I tried to figure out how to get them captured and uploaded.
I'm glad someone else did.
One of my short-term life goals is for the Pap's Place ads to go VIRAL!
I have several reasons for my twisted pursuit.
The food is great, though not necessarily part of a heart-approved diet. We usually don't go there more than once year.
The atmosphere is just good-ol' down home. Elvis shares a place on the wall of trinkets and goodies along with Jesus.
The folks who run the place are sweeter than the desserts on the bar. They love their customers, regardless of color, age or station in life.
So I would appreciate the help from anyone who's either been to Pap's or is just as intrigued by these ads as I am to lend me a hand and get as many people as possible to see these commercials!
And if you can ever get to Ackerman to see the place, just trust me: It's worth the trip!

Pondering the future

As many of you know, my wife Amanda recently joined the staff of LifeChurch.tv as the online experience coordinator.
At this writing, the church – based in Edmond, Okla., part of the Oklahoma City metro area - has 13 physical campuses and Church Online, which is literally what it sounds like – a church experience, online; complete with a worship set, offering, message and fellowship (which takes place in the form of chat).
People are also available to pray with anyone who needs it and there's a person on hand to help with any technical difficulties attendees may encounter.
Her responsibilities include helping to build up the number of volunteers needed to staff more experiences and troubleshoot where needed.
As she progressed through her candidacy with the job, we expected we'd be required to move for her to take the position. It turns out the job is remote.
It took us a while to get our heads around the idea of what this means. Not the term, of course, but what it means practically. We're still working on it.
We really liked what we saw and sensed in Oklahoma City when we visited out there July 4th weekend.
However, even if we lived within a five-minute drive of the Church Online headquarters, the position would still be remote.
For several weeks, we've been in the process of determining what this means in terms of relocation – where, when and under what conditions.
We're grateful for the opportunity – and liberty – this new position for Amanda may afford us, both in the near and long term.
For any feedback or questions you may have, feel free to click on the e-mail link in my profile or send me a tweet. Many thanks!

'Shifty'

Amanda just told me she saw a tweet about the passing of Darrell 'Shifty' Powers. Here's a story on it
from a paper near where he lived.
Shifty was one of the men of Easy Co., 506th Parachute Infantry Regiment, depicted in the 2001 HBO project "Band of Brothers."
From what I remember from the series, Shifty grew up in Virginia with a keen ability to see things others couldn't. In the series, he was shown as having spotted trees which hadn't been there the day before, indicating some kind of activity on the part of the German army.
Though he might have been plain spoken and seemingly simple, he was an amazing example of courage and diligence.
The more men from World War II pass, the more I miss my Dad. We've losing national treasures as they die, and projects like "Band of Brothers" help preserve the history they lived for the rest of us and those who will follow us.
Here are a few videos I found about him.
Shifty video 1
Shifty video 2
Shifty video 3 (clip from foreign language version of the series showing Shifty in action - warning; it may be a graphic scene for some.)

Thank you, Shifty.