Acceptance

I've recently discovered a personal challenge I guess I always knew was there but recently became glaringly obvious.
I want people to like me, so I sometimes try too hard to achieve this. I guess somewhere way back (or maybe over a series of times), I felt unliked, unloved and unwelcomed enough to think I had to find external validation to my existence.
So, it seems I'm on a regular search for this elusive emotional stamp, usually from people I wouldn't ordinarily think would like me. It's like a twisted relationship treasure hunt or geocaching game. I'm not sure what “winning” this game will look like but I'll know it when I see it and I haven't arrived. This is complicated by the sense I'm already at a likeability deficit before someone gets to know me.
Yes, I know how messed up this sounds, and it won't likely earn me a spot as add-on chapter to "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
I think of the famous Sally Field Oscar acceptance speech where she said: “You like me, right now, you like me.” She hit the acceptance jackpot and was overcome by it.
I know we have to look first to Christ for acceptance. It cost him a whole lot – his life in fact.
I realize as I examine this that I've got a long way to believe he's really here – right in the midst of this, even as I write. So, healing is in order and he's the only one who can heal a hurt this deep and cavernous. As a believer, I know he accepts me, it needs to start there and work its way out. I invite him to start this healing when he's ready.
Acceptance can't get any better than this (Ephesians 1:4-6): “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”
I know I'm not anywhere close to being done with this issue, but acknowledging it and letting Christ do his healing work is the start. And, on the human end, I need simply to let people like me for who I am naturally (and returning the favor), not beg them for their love. If I am really honest with myself and Christ, I already have more than I need and should be willing to give liberally, not act as though I've never received any.
What challenges have you faced with acceptance and how have you overcome them?

Looking back, looking ahead and trying not to crash

This past year, my family and I have gone through some radical changes, the most prominent being my wife's employment with LifeChurch.tv. We've also gotten to know a bunch of wonderful people all around the world. My perspective on the world and how we interact with it has changed radically.
I no longer see just my little chunk of the globe – and what I've experienced of it – by itself. I'm connected with people in India, Australia, Brazil, New Zealand and varying parts of North America. On the whole, this past year is certainly one I don't want to back up and do over (I certainly can't say that for other years, that's for sure).
To look ahead, I know I need to get my weight under control and we've recently taken some positive steps with this by using the Wii Fit system – a step forward from little to no activity is better than standing still.
But beyond this, I hope 2010 is the year I really get some clarity about what I'm to be about and what my purpose is, or at least some level of contentment with my circumstances in various settings. Sometimes I think I'm missing the mark. At other times, I realize I'm probably right where I need to be. Sometimes, I get the wrong messages from my circumstances. So, if nothing else I hope 2010 will be a time when I get my perspective right, even if my circumstance don't change one degree.
Though in much of the last year I've gained a great amount of confidence, I still face challenges in second-guessing myself in so many areas of my life. So, I need to learn how to take risks and not worry about the consequences as much after I make a decision. I should just make the choice, stick with it and pray it works out for the best.
I feel like I've made more progress this past year in living by faith and I want to continue down this path in 2010, learning even more about who Christ is and growing in learning how to love and serve with my brothers and sisters, being more generous in how I spend my resources.
So here's hoping 2010 will end with me being thinner, physically healthy person who is willing to take greater risks with proper wisdom, discernment and confidence in how I approach people and life's circumstances. How will I measure this? I think I'll know and I'm trusting we'll see real fruit from this 364 days from now. So let's do this!

I did it, sorta

Officially, I didn't complete Nablopomo 2009 for November because what's become a familiar habit prevented my success - I fell asleep on the couch before I was able to post at the appropriate times.
I wish I could insist that since I was not officially in bed with the aim of sleeping, it should count.
I did it for 28 of the 30 days properly. Does this not matter? I think I should acknowledge it, and maybe others will join me in saying I was THIS close.
I hope sometime soon I'll be able to break this trend for my own health's sake and that it doesn't become a metaphor for other aspects of life.
Have you ever almost hit the mark on something only to fall short? How have you overcome it?

The one who wounds & heals

Today, along with hearing our in-person teaching pastor speak, I read through a few passages in Scripture, starting with Isaiah 61:1 which talks about the Anointed One binding the brokenhearted.
I followed this to Job 5:18: "For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal."
We often think of God's latter quality of healer. We forget the first one, where God pierced his own Son. It's a much less painful thought to approach God as one who never harms. Obviously, the "harm" isn't intended for our destruction but our ultimate best.
Our teaching pastor at our church shared from his heart today. Here's some of what he said:

• In retelling the story of Jacob wrestling the angel, our pastor said: "There's always a limp and there's always a reason."
• "Difficulty is the great instructor."
• "He loves us too much to let us stay the way we are."

There's a running joke around my house about my approach to cleaning, especially when I'm going through stacks of papers or something else which needs to be sorted and organized. I often say: "Sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean up something."
I'm learning God will often do something which looks to us like a larger mess, but - honestly - mainly because we're not in control of it.
What is your perspective on the thought God being both wounder and healer?

Why my blood has a strange color

As I've watched what can only be called grudge-match rivalry weekend in college football unfold across the nation, I'm reminded my loyalties are somewhat divided in some respects.
Growing up in Montgomery, Ala., less than an hour's drive to Auburn University, my heart for many years lie on the Plains and I bled orange and blue, as the saying goes.
For those of you not familiar with the intensity of in-state college football rivalries, its safe to say the Auburn-Alabama ranks among the top. Alabama residents who never set foot on either campus are expected to pick a side and cheer for one or the other.
That's intense.
So 20 years ago this month sitting in my apartment in Tuscaloosa, Ala. as a University of Alabama student, I had a decision to make. Moments before kickoff, I decided to root for the Tide, adding a large vat of crimson to the mix.
Five years ago, we moved to the (Mississippi State) Bulldog Nation. I was - and still am - proud of MSU for choosing to hire Sylvester Croom as the first black head football coach in the Southeastern Conference, a decision the University of Alabama - where the Tuscaloosa native played and coached as an assistant - couldn't quite bring itself to make.
MSU beat Alabama twice under Croom and I can't say they didn't earn it and I understand why the 'Dogs yanked Croom after last year's 0-45 embarrassment at the hands of what's been called lately The School Up North (The University of Mississippi, otherwise known as Ole Miss).
So, add some maroon to the blend and you have one confused dude when it comes to Saturdays in the fall, at least for a few games.
Usually it's easy to figure out. I hold a piece of paper from Alabama, so that weighs heavily on most days, but I'm eager to see what the 'Dogs will do as they continue to move forward under Dan Mullen (they rectified last year's debacle with a 41-27 win today). And the rebuilding continues on the Plains under Gene Chizik so that's been interesting to watch.
This is one of the few areas of life where it's OK to get pulled in three different directions, and depending on where Jadyn goes to school (Lord willing and assuming she's able to do so), we might get an even more confusing color pattern in the future.
Until then, Go Roll Eagle!

Going deep

Through the teaching this past week of Chris Beall on Church Online at LifeChurch.tv, I've been challenged about setting aside time to hear God in the quiet.
The task seems simple enough on the surface – Set aside time a few minutes a day to listen to the Lord in an undisturbed setting.
It's more difficult than it sounds.
But it's essential.
When we are trying to find purpose and direction, we expect God to land the answers in our lap so we can get on to the next thing. OK, at least I do. 
When we take a step back and think about this approach, we realize this is absurd. 
As Chris said: "Early mornings, private pain, discipline; that's where people become great." Sometimes, the answers we seek do appear out of the blue. But most of the time, they're forged in blood, sweat and tears. 
As Oswald Chambers asserts, prayer is essentially a process toward getting to know God, so as we seek answers, we need to focus more intently on seeking Him rather than what he has for us.
How are you being challenged to grow deeper in your faith?

Gratitude

For some reason, it's not always easy for me naturally to count my blessings. I tend toward the half-empty view, or at least I used to. So when I step back and force myself out of the negative mindset, I realize I have plenty to be thankful to God for, including:

• I'm alive.
• I'm reasonably good health for a big boy, with the knowledge I need to do something about the "big" part sooner rather than later.
• I have a beautiful, intelligent wife who is more understanding and patient with me than I give her credit for being.
• My gorgeous, bright daughter who I hope I'm doing right by as I raise her.
• Being employed and finding new ways to enjoy my work.
• Learning not to walk in fear - the world isn't going to fall in around me if I do something out of the ordinary, and if it does, I need to trust God to handle the aftermath.
• The dozens of amazing people we've gotten to know through Church Online and Twitter these past 11 months from all over North America and on at least three other continents. It's been amazing journey I hope is nowhere finished, but rather just beginning. These folks have enriched our lives beyond measure and I hope we've done the same for them. Many of them are literally like family to us and I believe God has given them to us as such. (Grant me this temporary relapse in fear - I'm afraid to start listing people and miss anyone.) I also have met a number of fellow Rush fans in various parts of the globe I also consider good friends and I'm grateful to know them as well.
  
• The people we've already known. These include my in-laws, who've gone above and beyond in making up for not having counterparts on my side of the family. Between our Twitter friends, our in-person church folks (past and present) and our online friends, we have a patchwork family which looks like very few others.
• The time I got to spend with my parents and for the good things they did for me. They did more to prepare me and love me than I give them credit for when I slip back into half-empty mode and I look forward to seeing them again someday.
• My relationship with Jesus Christ, which has grown by leaps and bounds since we've been hanging around LifeChurch.tv.
  

With all that said, it's time to get some other things under way today. What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving Day?

Making the point now

Earlier this week, when I dropped off Jadyn at daycare, a young man she fancies (yes at 4) was in the classroom with her waiting to eat breakfast. She was wearing a new jacket and she wanted him to notice. She called him by name and wanted him to see it. I don't think he was paying attention. As I was preparing to walk out the door to go to work, it registered with me - she wanted him to notice and he didn't, at least not that I saw.
I had plenty of time, so I went back in, hugged her from behind and told her: "You're beautiful and I love you."
I can't be there every time she asked someone to notice, but when I can, I want to remind her that her father genuinely and deeply loves her and wants her to always remember that, especially as she develops a relationship with Christ.
What significant point do you want to make to a loved one, and how do you hope to go about doing it?

Why TV shows and I don't do well

I may have blogged about similar themes before. If so, there's a reason.
It bears repeating.
I tend to get hooked on television shows which contain the following - decent acting, largely unpredictable plots and intelligent writing. There's a trend with most of the ones I've liked over the last decade or so - they get canceled, most of them slightly over (or significantly under) the typical five-year syndication window.
As I sat down to write this post, I got great news! "Scrubs" is coming back on the air!
This is another genre I like - insane comedy with a message. It's one of the reasons I enjoyed "My Name Is Earl." Though the essential format was the same each episode - there's going to be some issue Earl needs to rectify from his list and how they got to the end is what made it interesting.
So, here's hoping the resurrection of "Scrubs" will last.
What types of television shows do you like and do you feel "snakebitten"when your favorite shows go off the air?

In-person interaction

Tonight, I hung out in person with someone I normally don't see face-to-face, but rather, I see him online. He lives less than two and a half miles from here, but it's just how things have worked for both of us.
I got to hear how things have gone for him these past few weeks. I learned what he's been doing and discovered more than I'd known in the online interaction. So what I'm learning is that while online friendships are valuable and certainly worth our time to cultivate, the richness we can find in sharing face time is at least of equal importance and in some ways greater value.
So how to we connect with and communicate with people who are thousands of miles away? Short of driving or flying to where the other person is, we can compensate for this through means such as Skype and Tokbox. Because when we interact with each other, we're completing the picture in an important way. How have you taken your online interaction into the 'real' world?

What does it look like?

Today, for the first time I can remember, we really engaged in worship in our in-person church. It looks though we're in the early stages as a congregation of learning how to yield ourselves to allow the presence of Christ to fully appear in our midst. It's a great place to be. For a few seconds there I wondered if were going to extend our time significantly today. We didn't but the sense that many of us didn't want it to end was tangible.
Without airing laundry, our in-person church has been through it's challenges and struggles and now that it's turning a corner, I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store.
During a portion of this time, I thought of the words of the Twila Paris song "He is No Fool," based on the story of missionary Jim Eliot, who gave his life in efforts to minister to the Auca indians in Ecuador. I started scribbling down the chorus: "He is no fool, if he would choose; to give the things he cannot keep; to buy what he can never lose; to see the treasure in one's soul; that far outshines the brightest gold; he is no fool ... ."
I'm trying to hear from the Lord what this pursuit should look like for me. What does it look like for you?

Weekend warrior

Before I became a parent, it seemed a weekend was loaded with so much extra time to do whatever I felt like, or didn't feel like, doing. Now, it seems like there's so much to think about and do with a little one around. I'm not complaining about the reason I'm a parent in any way, shape or form. We waited for her, sometimes impatiently, to arrive. But parenthood is the phenomenon which has compressed my free time the most in the last four years.
I'm a procrastinator already and it just forces more things to get shoved tomorrow's column. I'm learning how to schedule and juggle things on the weekend and felt pretty good - all things considered about what I got done today. But I try to balance the pressure to get things accomplished in my time off and just enjoy being home with my family.
What do you do to juggle off time with the need to get things accomplished around the house?

Peeling it back

Sometimes it's so easy to look at a circumstance or situation on the surface and think we can lick it. Then, we encounter anything which is challenging related to the details involved and then we realize how much further we have to go. The setbacks can seem impassable, because we see others who either never had the problem at all or found a way to overcome it. It's difficult to see the way forward when you feel trapped in between these two places.
In the long run, I think it is better to go ahead and plunge in and see how tough and disgusting things are and get to the other side in an improved spot.

Finding the balance

We never seem to be able to find that right balance between sleep and doing things we might otherwise spend our time and resources toward. Tonight, I feel asleep before 10 p.m. And that's just the way it went. Sleep; pursuing what we want. Sometimes, we can't proceed without the right amount of sleep, and at other times, doing what seems best is impossible without that sleep.

Glad we're part of this

I've talked about this before here on my blog but my wife is the online experience coordinator for Church Online at LifeChurch.tv.
She typically helps out with the 8 p.m. CDT experience on Tuesday. Yesterday, they had an amazing encounter. I serve at two experiences at other times, one earlier Tuesday and one later Saturday evening, but I've never run into anything like what's described.
Christ's followers are the biggest obstacles people face getting to know Him. While we may never know the outcome of how these people experience Jesus, we know they've been presented truth about Him. Hopefully these planted seeds in these peoples' hearts will develop in something more. But even if it doesn't add up to anything immediate, hopefully they'll think back on their visit and remember the grace of God.

The sleep chronicles, part 99.7

For the first time in I don't know when, I fell asleep on the couch before 9 p.m. It happens a good bit after 9 p.m., but the combination of several nights of less than six hours of sleep and getting up at 5 a.m. probably walloped me. But the nap I took gave me the energy to get some things done before we go to bed for real.
Sleep does all sorts of things for us, and if we don't get it, we function below our capacity, propped up often by caffeine and just going through the motions instead of going full speed.
What are some things you do to make sure you get enough sleep?

Hybrid language

I've been discussing the idea of developing a conversational writing style with some people recently. This is a good idea and I want to work toward it. The trouble is, I'll need to use someone else as a model.
See, I tend to mix a number of styles in my speech, especially when I'm around friends or in other suitably comfortable savings. Instead of explaining it, I'll use an example: "Peace out, y'all!"
I use words which are probably antiquated in some respects and modern or possibly out-of-place in others.
It's how I talk. :)
I'm comfortable with it. It's my "second skin" as a language. I enjoy it and especially where it relates to informal talk, I'll probably stick with it as base of operations.
I'll just be myself and see how it works out.

Is it weird?

In this day and age of Twitter, would our younger selves look at those of us who interact, connect and share on the social media network think we'd lost our minds at what we do?
In the last several weeks, I've watched three live concerts and interacted during these events with others. Like someone mentioned tonight during the Michael W. Smith show, it was as if we were all there together.
Today, my wife talked with a friend three states away about the contents of Rotel. I joined in a group chat about what would your name be if it weren't what you were given.
I'm not down with Homer. Won't ever be.
I've howled with laughter and even shrinked from some of the candor I see. I'm not quite that brave.
Yet.
But I sense connections with people all across North America and individuals who live in Asia, South America and Australia through various means including but not limited to Twitter. Dozens have prayed for me. Some of us have prayed together.
Despite my best intentions and hopes, I may never meet most of them here on Earth. But they've enriched my life in ways they may never quite know.
I hope I've done the same.
I told someone the other day there's some folks in the Pacific Northwest who would probably swing the doors wide and welcome us with open arms if we showed up on their doorsteps, though I'm sure they would appreciate some advanced notice. :) And possibly other parts of the world.
So is it weird that we have all these friends scattered about the globe?
From where I sit? Nope.

A familiar visitor

This morning, as I was getting ready to take Jadyn outside to play, I started feeling feverish and experienced a pain in my left leg, kind of a cramp throughout much of the leg and a dull ache in the hip joint.
This is how most cases of cellulitis in my legs start for me. They used to be just an annoyance I could get over in about a week. But last year, a case in my right leg kept me out of work for several days in September. Another put me down for the count in December in the left leg. These cases resulted in severe skin damage to both legs. The right leg is a long way toward being healed. The left one is improving but isn't there yet.
It appears at this point I've had a minor relapse in the left leg today. I'm taking the appropriate medication and hopefully won't suffer a great deal with this one.
While we have not been able to make a certain direct correlation to diet, nor have I been diagnosed with such, cellulitis is a common problem for diabetics and these infections would occur after I had overdone sugar.
After the last major round of cellulitis in December, I significantly cut back on the amount of sugar I intake. In fact, I've gone several weeks with out it. I loosened up on it a little bit this week and again, though I am not 100 percent certain this is the cause, the correlation is there.
I've added in a lot of wheat bread and will eat it when nothing else is around.
One of the challenges I face is that I don't just eat to sustain myself. I eat when I'm bored, upset, stressed, happy and wanting to celebrate. I know this and have tried to find the ways to just shut it off and stop it. I've not been able to on my own. I get these cellultis reminders so I don't think I've arrived - that's when I usually get in trouble.
I'm not anywhere close to arriving in addressing this issue.
As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that a difference between this year and last is that people on four, possibly five continents will pray for me about this. This is a huge difference and I believe with their help I can conquer this once and for all.
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P.S.: I thought it might be in order to clarify what cellulitis is – It's a skin infection. The fever and joint/muscle pain are early warning signs the infection is on its way, at least in my experience. Once it is actually visible, cellulitis usually manifests itself by causing redness and swelling in the impacted area. At this point, my latest episode is mild compared to the ones which damaged my legs last year.
Here is more information from WebMD regarding the condition.

Memory flashes

Tonight, I've been thinking about people and circumstances long since passed. A person who was a mutual acquaintance of my parents and our next-door neighbor; an old hotel in town which may not even be there now and if it is, it probably isn't the best in the area; the old AM rock station I used to listen to (yeah I said AM rock station) and others I can't recall right now.
I'm not sure what's been sparking this, but I guess it's part of the healing process of helping me remember that even though a great deal of time has passed since my parents died, the world they lived in isn't completely dead, even though it's changed a great deal.
Lord, help us understand the purpose for old memories and let us live out your plan and passion for it.
What old memories to do you have and how much do you wish to understand them?