Apologies, dear followers

Hey everyone!
It's been far too long since you've all heard from me. I could rattle off the old excuses – I've been busy, tired, sick, playing Wii (some), lollygagging on Twitter, procrastinating and generally not thinking about my blog – but this information wouldn't do you any good.
You want to READ stuff!
Well, I had a few ideas last week. I remember three of them and will hopefully get a couple of them out over the next week or so.
I haven't figured out yet how to hold down a full-time job and blog. But people who do this successfully are typically multi-taskers by nature. I'm a rifle kind of guy and I usually take a long time to line up my shot, sometimes missing the opportunity.
But I've been thinking again lately about ways to revamp and upgrade my Internet presence. I don't want to make any promises, but let just say some things are on the agenda for the ol' family board meeting.
In the mean time, I'll start noodling on those ideas and hopefully some will blossom soon!

Acceptance

I've recently discovered a personal challenge I guess I always knew was there but recently became glaringly obvious.
I want people to like me, so I sometimes try too hard to achieve this. I guess somewhere way back (or maybe over a series of times), I felt unliked, unloved and unwelcomed enough to think I had to find external validation to my existence.
So, it seems I'm on a regular search for this elusive emotional stamp, usually from people I wouldn't ordinarily think would like me. It's like a twisted relationship treasure hunt or geocaching game. I'm not sure what “winning” this game will look like but I'll know it when I see it and I haven't arrived. This is complicated by the sense I'm already at a likeability deficit before someone gets to know me.
Yes, I know how messed up this sounds, and it won't likely earn me a spot as add-on chapter to "How to Win Friends and Influence People."
I think of the famous Sally Field Oscar acceptance speech where she said: “You like me, right now, you like me.” She hit the acceptance jackpot and was overcome by it.
I know we have to look first to Christ for acceptance. It cost him a whole lot – his life in fact.
I realize as I examine this that I've got a long way to believe he's really here – right in the midst of this, even as I write. So, healing is in order and he's the only one who can heal a hurt this deep and cavernous. As a believer, I know he accepts me, it needs to start there and work its way out. I invite him to start this healing when he's ready.
Acceptance can't get any better than this (Ephesians 1:4-6): “For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will – to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves.”
I know I'm not anywhere close to being done with this issue, but acknowledging it and letting Christ do his healing work is the start. And, on the human end, I need simply to let people like me for who I am naturally (and returning the favor), not beg them for their love. If I am really honest with myself and Christ, I already have more than I need and should be willing to give liberally, not act as though I've never received any.
What challenges have you faced with acceptance and how have you overcome them?

Looking back, looking ahead and trying not to crash

This past year, my family and I have gone through some radical changes, the most prominent being my wife's employment with LifeChurch.tv. We've also gotten to know a bunch of wonderful people all around the world. My perspective on the world and how we interact with it has changed radically.
I no longer see just my little chunk of the globe – and what I've experienced of it – by itself. I'm connected with people in India, Australia, Brazil, New Zealand and varying parts of North America. On the whole, this past year is certainly one I don't want to back up and do over (I certainly can't say that for other years, that's for sure).
To look ahead, I know I need to get my weight under control and we've recently taken some positive steps with this by using the Wii Fit system – a step forward from little to no activity is better than standing still.
But beyond this, I hope 2010 is the year I really get some clarity about what I'm to be about and what my purpose is, or at least some level of contentment with my circumstances in various settings. Sometimes I think I'm missing the mark. At other times, I realize I'm probably right where I need to be. Sometimes, I get the wrong messages from my circumstances. So, if nothing else I hope 2010 will be a time when I get my perspective right, even if my circumstance don't change one degree.
Though in much of the last year I've gained a great amount of confidence, I still face challenges in second-guessing myself in so many areas of my life. So, I need to learn how to take risks and not worry about the consequences as much after I make a decision. I should just make the choice, stick with it and pray it works out for the best.
I feel like I've made more progress this past year in living by faith and I want to continue down this path in 2010, learning even more about who Christ is and growing in learning how to love and serve with my brothers and sisters, being more generous in how I spend my resources.
So here's hoping 2010 will end with me being thinner, physically healthy person who is willing to take greater risks with proper wisdom, discernment and confidence in how I approach people and life's circumstances. How will I measure this? I think I'll know and I'm trusting we'll see real fruit from this 364 days from now. So let's do this!

I did it, sorta

Officially, I didn't complete Nablopomo 2009 for November because what's become a familiar habit prevented my success - I fell asleep on the couch before I was able to post at the appropriate times.
I wish I could insist that since I was not officially in bed with the aim of sleeping, it should count.
I did it for 28 of the 30 days properly. Does this not matter? I think I should acknowledge it, and maybe others will join me in saying I was THIS close.
I hope sometime soon I'll be able to break this trend for my own health's sake and that it doesn't become a metaphor for other aspects of life.
Have you ever almost hit the mark on something only to fall short? How have you overcome it?

The one who wounds & heals

Today, along with hearing our in-person teaching pastor speak, I read through a few passages in Scripture, starting with Isaiah 61:1 which talks about the Anointed One binding the brokenhearted.
I followed this to Job 5:18: "For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal."
We often think of God's latter quality of healer. We forget the first one, where God pierced his own Son. It's a much less painful thought to approach God as one who never harms. Obviously, the "harm" isn't intended for our destruction but our ultimate best.
Our teaching pastor at our church shared from his heart today. Here's some of what he said:

• In retelling the story of Jacob wrestling the angel, our pastor said: "There's always a limp and there's always a reason."
• "Difficulty is the great instructor."
• "He loves us too much to let us stay the way we are."

There's a running joke around my house about my approach to cleaning, especially when I'm going through stacks of papers or something else which needs to be sorted and organized. I often say: "Sometimes you have to make a bigger mess to clean up something."
I'm learning God will often do something which looks to us like a larger mess, but - honestly - mainly because we're not in control of it.
What is your perspective on the thought God being both wounder and healer?

Weekend warrior

Before I became a parent, it seemed a weekend was loaded with so much extra time to do whatever I felt like, or didn't feel like, doing. Now, it seems like there's so much to think about and do with a little one around. I'm not complaining about the reason I'm a parent in any way, shape or form. We waited for her, sometimes impatiently, to arrive. But parenthood is the phenomenon which has compressed my free time the most in the last four years.
I'm a procrastinator already and it just forces more things to get shoved tomorrow's column. I'm learning how to schedule and juggle things on the weekend and felt pretty good - all things considered about what I got done today. But I try to balance the pressure to get things accomplished in my time off and just enjoy being home with my family.
What do you do to juggle off time with the need to get things accomplished around the house?

Glad we're part of this

I've talked about this before here on my blog but my wife is the online experience coordinator for Church Online at LifeChurch.tv.
She typically helps out with the 8 p.m. CDT experience on Tuesday. Yesterday, they had an amazing encounter. I serve at two experiences at other times, one earlier Tuesday and one later Saturday evening, but I've never run into anything like what's described.
Christ's followers are the biggest obstacles people face getting to know Him. While we may never know the outcome of how these people experience Jesus, we know they've been presented truth about Him. Hopefully these planted seeds in these peoples' hearts will develop in something more. But even if it doesn't add up to anything immediate, hopefully they'll think back on their visit and remember the grace of God.

The sleep chronicles, part 99.7

For the first time in I don't know when, I fell asleep on the couch before 9 p.m. It happens a good bit after 9 p.m., but the combination of several nights of less than six hours of sleep and getting up at 5 a.m. probably walloped me. But the nap I took gave me the energy to get some things done before we go to bed for real.
Sleep does all sorts of things for us, and if we don't get it, we function below our capacity, propped up often by caffeine and just going through the motions instead of going full speed.
What are some things you do to make sure you get enough sleep?

Is it weird?

In this day and age of Twitter, would our younger selves look at those of us who interact, connect and share on the social media network think we'd lost our minds at what we do?
In the last several weeks, I've watched three live concerts and interacted during these events with others. Like someone mentioned tonight during the Michael W. Smith show, it was as if we were all there together.
Today, my wife talked with a friend three states away about the contents of Rotel. I joined in a group chat about what would your name be if it weren't what you were given.
I'm not down with Homer. Won't ever be.
I've howled with laughter and even shrinked from some of the candor I see. I'm not quite that brave.
Yet.
But I sense connections with people all across North America and individuals who live in Asia, South America and Australia through various means including but not limited to Twitter. Dozens have prayed for me. Some of us have prayed together.
Despite my best intentions and hopes, I may never meet most of them here on Earth. But they've enriched my life in ways they may never quite know.
I hope I've done the same.
I told someone the other day there's some folks in the Pacific Northwest who would probably swing the doors wide and welcome us with open arms if we showed up on their doorsteps, though I'm sure they would appreciate some advanced notice. :) And possibly other parts of the world.
So is it weird that we have all these friends scattered about the globe?
From where I sit? Nope.

A familiar visitor

This morning, as I was getting ready to take Jadyn outside to play, I started feeling feverish and experienced a pain in my left leg, kind of a cramp throughout much of the leg and a dull ache in the hip joint.
This is how most cases of cellulitis in my legs start for me. They used to be just an annoyance I could get over in about a week. But last year, a case in my right leg kept me out of work for several days in September. Another put me down for the count in December in the left leg. These cases resulted in severe skin damage to both legs. The right leg is a long way toward being healed. The left one is improving but isn't there yet.
It appears at this point I've had a minor relapse in the left leg today. I'm taking the appropriate medication and hopefully won't suffer a great deal with this one.
While we have not been able to make a certain direct correlation to diet, nor have I been diagnosed with such, cellulitis is a common problem for diabetics and these infections would occur after I had overdone sugar.
After the last major round of cellulitis in December, I significantly cut back on the amount of sugar I intake. In fact, I've gone several weeks with out it. I loosened up on it a little bit this week and again, though I am not 100 percent certain this is the cause, the correlation is there.
I've added in a lot of wheat bread and will eat it when nothing else is around.
One of the challenges I face is that I don't just eat to sustain myself. I eat when I'm bored, upset, stressed, happy and wanting to celebrate. I know this and have tried to find the ways to just shut it off and stop it. I've not been able to on my own. I get these cellultis reminders so I don't think I've arrived - that's when I usually get in trouble.
I'm not anywhere close to arriving in addressing this issue.
As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that a difference between this year and last is that people on four, possibly five continents will pray for me about this. This is a huge difference and I believe with their help I can conquer this once and for all.
 -----

P.S.: I thought it might be in order to clarify what cellulitis is – It's a skin infection. The fever and joint/muscle pain are early warning signs the infection is on its way, at least in my experience. Once it is actually visible, cellulitis usually manifests itself by causing redness and swelling in the impacted area. At this point, my latest episode is mild compared to the ones which damaged my legs last year.
Here is more information from WebMD regarding the condition.

Sleep, perchance to sleep

I've got to figure a way to balance things - I'm constantly nodding off after about 9 p.m. these days. I am fighting to stay awake long enough to post this. I know this isn't the way things should be, but I haven't found the balance.
I have to find it for my health and sanity, but until I find time to even out my morning it'll be difficult. For now, I'm going to go to bed a good bit earlier than normal.
Anyone else have trouble finding the right set of circumstances for sleep?

Yesterday's science fiction, today's reality

About 10 days ago, Amanda and I did a video chat with a couple in Sydney, Australia from the comfort of our house – with no real effort other than the click of a mouse. We really enjoyed it and learned a great deal.
I just saw an ad for Ford's Sync system in which the driver asks the system to read a message - it tells him a highway is closed. Earlier, I watched an ad about this from this from OnStar: A system which - under the proper conditions - will give law enforcement and OnStar personnel the ability to disengage the acceleration on a vehicle reported stolen. In promoting the feature, OnStar says it will help reduce "the risks of high-speed pursuits," an announcer says on the video.
So, all of this stuff we'd likely have seen imagined – in some shape or form – in science fiction television shows and films of the past.
We're living in a SciFi (or is it SyFy?) show to some degree in everyday circumstances.
My question tonight is – are we better off for it or worse off?

How daddies can be caregivers too

Have you ever had one of those instant flashes where you knew what was ahead of you and could only just deal with it and not run away? I got one of those Wednesday.
I walked into Jadyn's daycare. She was resting her head on one of the worker's laps.
Not normal.
One cheek was flush red instead of its usual, lighter shade.
Not normal.
They said she'd been running a fever, but couldn't agree on the degree. So I checked at home - 102.9 F/39.4 C.
Not normal.
With the pattern of normality now fully off kilter, I settled into the caregiver role, since Amanda was 10 hours or so away in Oklahoma. I gave her medication to fight the fever and worked to get her to bed.
Several hours I got her to sleep in her bed, she decides to come into where I'm sleeping and we don't stay asleep for long. So, at somewhere around 5 a.m., I'm up and awake this morning and so is Jadyn.
I get her to the doctor and take careful notes regarding his diagnosis so I can report back to Amanda and the daycare center. The diagnosis was ILI (Influenza Like Illness) - through tests and examination, the doctor ruled out strep, pneumonia and flu. Basically, he said she's a normal child with a fever and sore throat.
So, we get some food at McDonald's, clean up the house a bit and then take a nap, awaking to Amanda back in the house!
Sometimes we're faced with situations outside of our comfort zones and elements and we just have to deal and run with that which we're dealt. I did and think I came out on the other end OK. :)
So when have you faced a situation where you've had to do something you're not used to and how did you manage?

Tearing down the walls

Through the past several months, I've noticed something about Twitter.
I've tweeted about this before, but I think it bears repeating: Folks from a wide sampling across the social media service, at least the ones I've encountered, are from different backgrounds.
Race, color, culture and even to some degree gender segregation and body weight lines are largely erased on Twitter. Why? I think it's because the focus is on 140 characters, not other aspects of the person.
I didn't grow up in a house with a strongly vengeful attitude toward black people but one likely shared by many whites who experienced desegregation - white folks generally wanted no part of it.
But my parents did eventually send me to a majority black high school, and I'm the better for it.
Ultimately, the Lord has worked on my heart to where I'm more inclined to find ways to reach out and broaden my horizons than not.
We're not there yet but I see the encounters I have on Twitter and other social media around the world moving us closer - much closer - to fulfilling Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus."
Make it so, Lord, in our lifetimes.
P.S.:
What is your experience with learning how to interact with those who don't look like you?

A Healing Journey - Part III

As I finally got close enough to the community where the cemetery is to tell, I realized the weather would cooperate and I would finally get to do what I needed.
These are the conditions I found at the cemetery, shortly before 1 p.m. Sept. 5 (my parents' graves are in the foreground): So while I must have looked fairly strange to any passersby, I conducted business by getting out my laptop and typing my thoughts.
Here is what I wrote:
----
Mom and Dad,

There's hardly a day which goes by where I don't feel you missing from my life.

As I sit here, I hear what sounds like a band practicing, birds chirping, vehicles going somewhere and life just generally continuing around me.

Yet my life has been stuck – emotionally at least – in two moments in time – one outside of a house in Montgomery where you, Dad, were loaded into a an ambulance and rushed to a hospital. You were probably dead when you got there. I can still see the bag of personal effects they gave Mom; your glasses, your false teeth and probably your wallet were included.

The second was the day 11 years about three hours from now (as I write this) when I unlocked the back door to the house I grew up in and made a mad dash through the house to Mom's bedroom, where I saw someone who'd been gone for several days.

Mom and Dad, I miss you, but I cannot continue to live my life in the past, hung on thse moments of loss and grief. I don't think the Lord intended me to stay in this loop forever, but use these days as milestones on a path of healing.

So, I forgive you Dad, for dying less than 18 hours after we had an argument.

I forgive you Mom, for being the last to go; something for which I thought I would never forgive you.

I'm sorry I fought both of you more than I listened to you. I'm sorry I wasn't as easy to raise as I should have been.

As I feel buried emotions rise to the surface, I can't sit here and say that the only time I'll ever need to do this is today. But I wanted to feel Sept. 5, 1998 all over again, so that I could – somehow – move past it, with healing im my heart, and warm, not frigid, memories in my mind.

I am trusting however, that by the grace of God, this will be the first day of the rest of my life, that I can walk away from here knowing I left something behind. Something I didnt't need. Something I couldn't bear to part with but couldn't carry anymore.

I love you and I know that even though you both sometimes had difficultly showing it emotionally, I know by your provision and concern (I can hear Mom saying on times I was late getting home, "I was about to call the State Troopers.") that you cared.

I trust and hope to see you again in person some day. But for now, I have a family waiting on me who loves and wants to see me. I have, by the grace of God, things yet to accomplish here and hope to live the rest of my life at his good pleasure.

Thank you Jesus for allowing me this time to face what I haven't wanted to for so long. May this day be seen from here forward as a blessing, not a curse. In Jesus' name, Amen.

------

Since this time, I've generally been more determined about what I'm doing and I've been more willing to consider some things about the future which were pretty far out there previously.

But God is good, really, and He is leading us through to the future and I intend to be a different human being after this graveside visit in real, personal and tangible ways.

P.S.: So all this said, do you have a situation in your life you need to confront, but have delayed for years? If so, what is it and what do you hope to do about it?

Squinting

Have you ever been in a place in your life where you just want to understand what's next?
That's where I am right now, squinting hard to see the next step to take.
What I don't want to do is push so hard to find this out that I miss what's around me right now.
I'm starting to wonder if like I'm the disciple who says to Jesus: "Show us the father." Christ could have been frustrated in his answer. "Duh! Been there, done that, ya dope!"
But he was more constructive than that.
So I'm going to rebuild that list. You know, the one where you have preferences and trigger points, with the hope the Lord confirms these or shows you new ones.
It could be he shows me status quo is where he wants me to be. And if that's what I see, then I have to be OK with that.
Cuz I'd rather not keep asking dumb questions if I REALLY already know the answer.

A reunion of hearts

I hope this blog will serve several purposes – to express to some of my favorite people on the planet how much they mean to me, clear the air about my frame of mind when I saw some of them this past weekend and express where I am now with a number of things.
I went to a youth and college group reunion at Frazer Memorial United Methodist Church in Montgomery, Ala. this past weekend with my daughter.
Given a number of factors, I got about four and a half hours of sleep the morning before the reunion, then drove about four hours – with stops – to Montgomery.
On the way into town, I passed the area of the city where I “cut my teeth.” I'd been by there hundreds of times in the last 10 years after my Mom's death but I cried this time.
I cried:
For what – and who – was no longer there.
For a past I couldn't change.
And, possibly, for a difficult-to-see future.
This past week, certain aspects of my life got tied into a huge black mass of frustration, fatigue and bitterness.
I spoke from this place of negativity at times while interacting with some of the people I saw at the reunion but I didn't fully realize it until my daughter and I were on our way to where we were staying for the night.
I'd hoped I hadn't alienated anyone because of my – at times – sour attitude.
Aside from my tendency to want to be liked anyway, this particular group of people is important to me because they were part of the place where God laid a significant foundation for me in a couple of areas – spiritually and socially.
Many of the folks in the college group helped me learn how to experience genuine social interaction with others. My time there also gave me a serious root system in the faith.
Additionally, I believe the Lord forged and inspired in us – men and women alike – a bond which goes beyond routine friendship.
Two days removed from the reunion, I feel like I've had something extracted which was in dire need of removal.
I feel refreshed, revived – like I've had layers of caked-on dirt washed away.
I know this is just what I needed.
If I got to see you this weekend, please know I do care about you, regardless of how lost in my own sandbox I might have seemed.
If you were part of this rag-tag group of folks and didn't get to come this time, see what you can do to attend next time.
It's hard to say what the future will hold, but I know going to back to see old friends from the college group did more than just revive memories.
It jump-started my heart.
And that's always a good thing.

Pondering the future

As many of you know, my wife Amanda recently joined the staff of LifeChurch.tv as the online experience coordinator.
At this writing, the church – based in Edmond, Okla., part of the Oklahoma City metro area - has 13 physical campuses and Church Online, which is literally what it sounds like – a church experience, online; complete with a worship set, offering, message and fellowship (which takes place in the form of chat).
People are also available to pray with anyone who needs it and there's a person on hand to help with any technical difficulties attendees may encounter.
Her responsibilities include helping to build up the number of volunteers needed to staff more experiences and troubleshoot where needed.
As she progressed through her candidacy with the job, we expected we'd be required to move for her to take the position. It turns out the job is remote.
It took us a while to get our heads around the idea of what this means. Not the term, of course, but what it means practically. We're still working on it.
We really liked what we saw and sensed in Oklahoma City when we visited out there July 4th weekend.
However, even if we lived within a five-minute drive of the Church Online headquarters, the position would still be remote.
For several weeks, we've been in the process of determining what this means in terms of relocation – where, when and under what conditions.
We're grateful for the opportunity – and liberty – this new position for Amanda may afford us, both in the near and long term.
For any feedback or questions you may have, feel free to click on the e-mail link in my profile or send me a tweet. Many thanks!

Should church serve as a political forum?

I came across a circumstance today where someone distributed fliers for an upcoming politically-related event. As I understand it, the distribution of these fliers was not sanctioned or authorized by church leadership.
Regardless of whether church leaders were knowledgeable or not, I personally think church is not the place to promote or endorse political activities, regardless of party affiliation, platform or agenda - not any Sunday, but especially not Easter Sunday.
Anyone agree, disagree or otherwise have a thought?

An amazing but trying day

I apologize to those who've recently come across my blog through Twitter or other means that there hasn't been much to look at lately. This'll give you something to read for now.
Today was one of those life-changing days - it came with its share of problems but it was also so rich with blessing and goodness, it's too amazing not to share some of it.
The condensed version is that we heard a message at church which seemed at least in part to validate a course of action we'd been considering for some number of weeks and was almost like the swift gust of air needed to get a stationary sailboat moving. We felt a sense of relief as we shared some of these details with some of those closest to us, compelled by the message we'd heard.
We also watched a couple who'd been married 25 years renew their vows - an equally moving and thrilling experience. Earlier, I'd seen two people who'd been at opposite ends of an issue work out their differences in a short, love-filled conversation. I truly saw a reconciliation happen and it was very cool to see.
The trying part came in the form of facing nearly immediate challenges after we'd left church. Yes, I understand the verse which says "the rain falls on the just and the unjust."
I get that.
But it seemed like it couldn't be a coincidence that we were getting resistance so soon after we'd heard these redeeming and heart-stirring words of truth.
At its core, the message was simply that following/trusting Christ carries with it no actual (as in no clearly calculable) risk, but it isn't safe to follow him. His followers, scripture warns, will face all manner of trials and tribulations. Our church, the messenger said, is to be a place where it is safe for those who don't know Christ to come, learn about Him, ask questions and generally find out what our faith is all about. It is also a place where once someone commits to Christ it is no longer a "safe zone."
So we've got our hearts open to hear more from the Lord about how best to follow this path He's laying out for us. For those of you inclined to pray, please do so and ask Him to help us hear and trust Him as walk in the direction of the sound of His voice.